Are we in a gay sports bar?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
