did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
