I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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