I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
