Fine. I'll sleep in my office
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
