If i come over, it means nothing
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
my liver is dry heaving
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
