all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
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