Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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