low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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