last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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