Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
