I will die if light touches me.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
