True but thats because hes a fetus.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
