im six kinds of drunk right now
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
