go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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