i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
