I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Found your dick twin last night
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
