she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
