We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
