My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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