Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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