my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
