i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
