I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
