Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
