Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
