i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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