someone threw a dead crab at me
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
