He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
