In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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