dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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