I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
