I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
