This is not my ceiling
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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