me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
please come you make the beer taste better
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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