god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
