a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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