a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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