I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
