i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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