can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
