I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
