insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
