If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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