i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
