i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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