I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
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