ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
