If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
