Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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